


just wanna be your smile

by Libennly



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, The title is like that bc im super tired rn, plsss cut me some slack :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libennly/pseuds/Libennly
Summary: Not as deep down as Martin would like, he knows that Jon isn't really his friend.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Jonathan Sims
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	just wanna be your smile

Not as deep down as Martin would like, he knows that Jon isn't really his friend. 

It's not self-deprecating when he says that. So much of what he says people take to be self-deprecating or confessions of insecurities, and though he can't say he doesn't feel a jab of hurt at their hurried protestations, he never says otherwise. Maybe it's that his life is such a mess, a scrappily put-together mockery of stable adulthood, sewn with the fabrics of trauma and an inability to listen more than he absolutely needs to, that people just assume he's exaggerating. Or maybe they genuinely believe otherwise, think that he isn't 'a mess of a person' or that Jon 'is his friend'. 

Maybe that's why he likes Tim so much. He tends to tell people what he's thinking with no regards for their feelings first, and then follow up with some mildly positive addition, as if that makes anyone feel better. He likes Tim because he's able to say the things that his mum used to, that Jon says without thinking. And maybe theres some sort of qualifier for therapy in that way of thinking, if such a thing exists. Not that Martin would ever be able to tell anyone what he thinks without shrivelling up into a ball. 

Of course, Jon would always be harsher with his opinions, there's no doubt about that, but Martin knows better than forcing Jon to hang out with them, especially since they aren't even friends in the first place. 

And its back to that. It's matter of fact, the grass is green, the sky is blue, Jonathan Sims doesn't like you as much as you like him. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, bringing that sort of savage pain stabbing into your chest, the type of pain all his negative thoughts seem to bring forward nowadays. 

That doesn't stop him from imagining though. In his kind, Jon and him are friends, best friends even. In his mind, Jon and him go out for lunch, to that cafe near the McDonald's, the one with the nice aesthetic and crusty pastries. In his mind, Jon and him laugh and have lunch together, they have inside jokes so old that even they don't know where they originate from, they have notebooks filled with writings from years gone by and Polaroids of embarrassing phases each of them went through. In his mind, Jon and him are happy. In reality, neither of them are. 

The words that Jon directs at him aren't soft and malleable, he cannot twist their jagged ends into a jesting inside joke or just friendly exasperation. The pain in his chest aches and he drives the knife further in, basking in his fragile blissfulness. He could give up on Jon, he could. He could walk away, or put up a wall, or maybe actually fight for once, start shouting and sobbing until the coiled spring in his stomach finally unwinds. 

But that would risk his one-sided friendship with Jon. And so he doesn't. 

He sits in Jon's office a few months later, pouring his heart out as he 'faces his fear' or whatever. He's dishevelled and panicky and honestly just fed up. He could care less about this 'friendship' he's made up, right now he just needs someone to believe him, to pretend to provide comfort whether in material objects or half-arsed glances. He just wants sympathy for once, though maybe searching for such a thing in Jon would be useless. 

It isn't useless as it turns out. He's offered a place to stay, a semblance of concern, a few words without the same sharp ring to them. He's offered a small smile and his heart falls to his toes. 

Maybe Jon and him can be friends after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this might be shite but my minds super foggy rn so I can't read over. There's legit a spider in my bedroom and I was mean to be keeping watch over where I last saw it? And I didn't bc I wanted to write this and now Idk where it is. Might not sleep tonite lads ✌️😝Toss a comment to ur writer??? 
> 
> Love u all sm 💕💕💕💕


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